CHAPTER FOUR

Stephanie Silberstein

When I got to the car, Mama was sitting in the driver’s seat looking at the snow. The snow swirled around and around, it got in my hair and under my coat collar and on my boots. I pulled on the car door but it was frozen shut, it didn’t budge. Mama sat still like she was frozen too. I put my face near the window but I couldn’t tell.

Snow piled onto the car. I knocked it away from the window so I could see Mama, I made a noise. Mama flinched, then she got up and opened the door. "Get in."

I climbed in the back. Patrick was screaming so I took him out of the backpack and held him on my lap. "Put on your seatbelt," Mama said. She got in and started the car. I pulled on my seatbelt, it was stuck. Finally it pulled out. I put it over me and Patrick.

Mama drove. It was very quiet, the only sounds were the windshield wipers going tsk tsk tsk to the snow. I opened my window a little to let some sound in. A strong wind blew, I pushed it away. "If you’re cold, close that," Mama said in a robot voice. I pushed the wind away again. "I’m playing push the wind."

Mama hit the button to close the window, it almost bit my fingers but I pulled them back just in time. "I said close that."

The windshield wipers scratched loud on the front window, they were angry at the snow for falling. They scared Patrick. I held him tight on my lap. "Where’s Daddy?"

"Huh?" Mama said in a sleepy voice.

I kicked at her seat to wake her up. "You said Daddy is waiting. Where is he?"

Mama turned the heat knob up. "I never said any such thing, Emily. Now be quiet so I can drive."

I squeezed Patrick tighter. "You did too. Big Bird heard you."

Mama choked the steering wheel. "I said be quiet!" she said in a tornado voice. "Now shut up!"

My throat got tight. I turned towards the window and rubbed off snow fuzz, I tried to make a pattern and it turned into a mess.

The car made growling noises, Patrick roared back at it. Mama kept choking the steering wheel but she didn’t say anything. After a long time I asked, "Where are we going?"

"You are going to Leigh’s house." Mama said. "I have something to do." Patrick started to ask why Uncle Matt couldn’t keep watching us, but I made him stop. "It takes forever in this snow," Mama went on, but she wasn’t talking to me, so I didn’t say anything back.

The car moved slow, the snow kept trying to make it stuck. Mama said a bad word under her breath, it jumped over the seat to my ears anyway. Mama held the steering wheel tighter than tight but that didn’t stop the snow one bit.

Finally we got to Leigh’s block. Mama took her phone out of the thing in between the front seats. She put it on her ear, I held my breath so the snow wouldn’t freeze the phone there. "Mary? Rebekah. We’re here. Thanks."

Mama took the phone away from her ear and closed it. I let my breath out. Mama pulled into Leigh’s driveway. She turned towards me. Her face looked mean, I wanted to hide my eyes but Big Bird made me remember what Uncle Matt said and be brave.

"Listen up, Emily," Mama said. "Leigh and her mom don’t need to know what happens in our family. So everything we said and did today stays secret. Got it?"

I nodded even though I didn’t know what Mama was talking about, I just knew she wanted me to nod.

Leigh’s mom was already coming towards the car. I could kind of see her through the fogged-up window, she looked like a fuzz ball. Mama turned around and stared straight ahead, she made it look like she wasn’t just talking to me.

Leigh’s mom leaned over Mama’s door. Mama rolled the window down. The wind roared in just cause it could. I shivered, no one noticed.

"Hi!" Mama said. I couldn’t see her but I knew she had her smile face on, I could feel it. "Well, here we are." Leigh’s mom said something I couldn’t hear, she was leaning too close so her words couldn’t climb up on the wind. I unbuckled my seatbelt so I could move up. Mama and Leigh’s mom were talking but Mama cut her conversation in half and said, "Yes, run along inside, Emily. Mrs. Olsen and I are having a grown-up talk."

I climbed out of the car slow so Patrick wouldn’t fall. "Leave your elephant here," Mama said. "You don’t need it."

I hugged Patrick tight and kept walking. "Emily!" Mama said, but I pretended not to hear. "Oh, let her keep him," Leigh’s mom said. I ducked behind a tree so I could hear the rest of their conversation. Snowflakes hitted my head and slid down my back and melted on me but I didn’t care, they couldn’t make me go inside.

Leigh’s mom talked fast and leaned in close so I couldn’t hear a lot of what she said. I cuddled Patrick and listened harder. She said something about the hospital, and Mama said she was meeting Daddy there.

Leigh’s mom sighed and got up. I jumped away from the tree and got ahead of her and got to the house just in time. "The door’s locked," I said, and shivered.

Leigh’s mom laughed. "Just push it in without turning the knob. You know that." She shoved herself against the door, it opened up. I tossed my hair back and stepped carefully inside. I was the Queen of England coming off the plane for a visit, I had to walk the right way.

"Why don’t you go up to Leigh’s room and put Patrick down for a nap?" Leigh’s mom asked. I hugged Patrick tight. "Where’s Leigh?"

"Oh, she’s around somewhere. The basement, most likely." Leigh’s mom went to the basement steps and called, "Leigh!" Leigh didn’t answer, her mom moved through the house like a surfer. "Leigh! Emily’s here! By the way, you can do your homework on this table if you want. Leigh did hers already, I know it won’t take you long." She moved towards the upstairs steps. "I really think Patrick would be more comfortable on the bed, don’t you? Leigh!"

Leigh came to the top of the steps, she had a sour look on. She blinked and rubbed her eyes like she was just waking up but I knew she wasn’t. "I was writing to Daddy," she said, and took robot steps downstairs.

"Where’s - " I said, but Leigh’s mom’s smile cutted me off. "No need to do that, honey," she said. "Daddy’s happier if you don’t."

Leigh locked laser beams on me, her eyes were much sharper than Mama’s. I jumped back so she couldn’t drill holes in me. "What are you doing here?" Leigh’s mom got in between me and Leigh’s eyes. "Leigh! That’s no way to behave. I apologize, Emily, for Leigh’s rudeness."

Leigh took another robot step closer. "Well?"

Leigh’s mom put her hand on my shoulders, I made my back stiff so she wouldn’t but she still didn’t let go. "Why don’t you get started on your homework?" she said, and led me to the table. I kicked out the seat and sat down. Leigh’s mom turned around and said in a rough voice, "Emily’s brother fell and hit his head. So I don’t care that you’ve been in a mood since I picked you up from school today. You will be nice to her until her mom gets back from the hospital." I sat still and remembered how Alex didn’t like Big Bird when I fed him, I put my finger through the hole in my backpack zipper and prayed hard. I’m sorry God. I really really mean it this time. Please please make Alex OK.

Leigh’s Mom turned towards me. "When you’re finished with that, we can decorate the tree like we talked about! Leigh, honey, please get the ornament box." Leigh pouted but she went anyway.

I put Patrick on the chair next to me so he could see and opened up my homework notebook. Miss James had wrote different colors with markers on the top of each page, we were supposed to find pictures that matched the colors. "There’s a bunch of magazines you can use," Leigh’s mom said. "I’ll cut the pictures for you." I opened up a magazine to find a red something, she said, "Don’t mind Leigh. She’s going through what we grown-ups call ‘a rough time’."

Red made me think of ambulances, I squeezed my eyes shut but I still saw them in my head. Leigh came up the steps, I heard her go thump thump crash. "More gently, please," her mom said. "We don’t want anything to break."

Leigh didn’t say anything, she just threw herself on the couch. I opened my eyes and said to Patrick, "Red, red, red." and opened up a magazine.

I hummed under my breath while I did my homework. Leigh’s mom kept taking the scissors away and cutting the pictures for me. I didn’t care. I was watching Leigh. She sat on the couch with her arms crossed, staring at the place where the TV would be if there was one. Patrick asked me why Leigh was sad but I didn’t know. "Mrs. Olsen?" I said but when she turned around I ruffled the hair in the middle of Patrick’s head and said, "What time is my mom coming back?"

Leigh’s mom smiled at me. "I don’t know. Soon." She clapped her hands. "All right. Tree decorating time."

I got up slow. Leigh didn’t get up at all, she watched me through the invisible TV. I stood still while Leigh’s mom opened up the ornament box, a bad feeling was rising inside me. I held Patrick’s hand. "Look girls," Leigh’s mom said. "Santa’s reindeer."

I squeezed Patrick tighter as Leigh’s mom dragged the box towards me. "Mrs. Olsen...," I said, and licked my lips. "We... we don’t celebrate Christmas at my house."

Leigh’s mom waved that away, if God was watching she waved him away too. "So? In this house you do."

Leigh jerked like she was coming awake from a bad dream. "Did you tell my mom about your note?" I shook my head. "Ah, who cares?" Leigh’s mom said. "Let’s decorate."

Leigh got on her knees to look in the ornament box. "Emily got a note home," she said into the box. Her voice bounced inside it then straight up again. Leigh picked up a blue ornament and stared at her reflection in it. "When Miss James said sing Silent Night she didn’t really, she only pretended."

I turned into Mama and put my teeth together. "Be quiet."

Leigh squinted at the ornament. "If Daddy were here he would spank her, right Mommy?" Her mom wrapped a long piece of silver foil around a tall branch. "Oh, who knows what that father of yours would do. Come on, am I doing this all by myself?"

Leigh picked up another ornament, it was a statue of a man on a fat white cross. I knew it was Jesus, I thought hard about something else so God wouldn’t hear me remember that name. Leigh cocked her head at it. "Daddy..." she said in a tiny voice. She sighed and got up. "Here, Mommy. Put this on the very top."

"That’s too heavy. The tree will topple over." Leigh’s mom took the ornament away and put it behind the tree, she was hiding it. "Come on, Emily. The ornaments won’t bite you." I took a baby step towards the box. Patrick slid off his chair, he was scared.

Leigh’s mom went on decorating the tree. As she took an ornament out of the box, she began singing "Deck the Halls". I laid down and made myself flat, I didn’t want the song to get to me. Leigh sang along with her mom, but her voice was very quiet. In the middle of the song she began to cry. I crawled over to Patrick, then I lay still.

Leigh’s mom went on singing for a split second, then she stopped. She looked at Leigh, then she looked at the tree. She squeezed an ornament like it was an orange. "Leigh, don’t... it’s Christmas." Leigh sniffed and wiped her nose on her shirt. Her mom moved like she was going to stop her, but didn’t.

The phone rang. Leigh’s mom flinched. She smiled so wide her smile got stuck. "Oh, Emily, maybe that’s your mom," she sang, and went to get the phone.

I crawled over to the couch. Leigh sniffed again. "Don’t cry, Leigh," I said, and Patrick nodded.

Leigh kicked the couch. "I can’t help it!" She swallowed. "Don’t tell anyone, ‘k?"

I nodded. Big Bird and Patrick saw me. Leigh stared at the floor. After a minute she said, "My mom said that new family isn’t moving in ‘til July. They have a boy." She crossed her arms and glared at the floor.

Before I could say anything, Leigh’s mom turned into a ballerina and danced into the room. "Good news, Emily. Your daddy is coming to get you. Make sure your homework’s done so he can see it."

Leigh kicked the couch again. "It’s done," I said, my voice was thick as cough syrup.

"Good, good. Leigh, if you’re going to do that, please take off your shoes so you don’t leave marks on the couch."

I put my homework notebook away. Patrick was afraid I’d forget him, I picked him up so he knew I never ever would.

Leigh kicked her shoes off so hard they flew up in the air and hit the wall. "Leigh!" her mom said through her teeth, then she turned around and said in a smiley voice, "Make sure you bundle up, Emily. Here, let’s get your coat and boots so we won’t keep your daddy waiting."

Leigh tapped her feet against the couch, her mom ignored her. I stomped into my boots and my coat up tight and shoved my hands into my gloves.

Leigh slid off the couch. "Say goodbye to Emily," her mom sang. Leigh looked over her shoulder, then she stomped across the room and up the steps. Her mom squeezed my shoulder. "I’m so sorry Leigh’s being rude," she said. "She’s – "

A car outside went honk honk honk like a flock of geese. Leigh’s mom forgot she was in the middle of a sentence and said, "There’s your daddy." She opened the door.

The wind made my legs stiff. I marched down to the street. Daddy stood next to the car like a limo driver. He opened the door. "Hurry up. It’s cold."

Me and Patrick crawled into the back seat.

"Is Alex – " I said, but Daddy slammed the door closed, the words got stuck in it. Daddy climbed into the driver’s seat and started the car. "Is Alex OK?" I said.

Daddy’s back got stiff. He pretended to be fixing the heat. "Of course he is. Put on your seatbelt."

I put my seatbelt on. Patrick wanted his own seat, I leaned over to put his belt on but Daddy was already driving away. "Wait! Patrick – "

"I don’t have time for your nonsense," Daddy said. "Sit up and stop acting silly." I sat up and put my arm around Patrick in case the snow made the car slip. Daddy didn’t say anything, he was staring in the mirror. After a long time he asked, "You do your homework?"

"Yeah, Leigh’s mom – "

"Good." Daddy put on his turn signal but the light turned red so he had to wait. He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel and cleared his throat. "Emily...," he said. The light changed, the cars behind honked and honked. "Go, Daddy," I said and squeezed Patrick so hard he almost couldn’t breathe.

Daddy made the turn very fast, I held onto the door with my other hand so I wouldn’t slide through the window. Patrick slid into me, I held him tight.

The car went all the way over, I thought it was going to crash into a silver car parked on the other side of the street. I squeezed my eyes shut, Daddy said a bad word. "Don’t – " I said but Patrick made me stop.

Daddy moved the car back where it belonged. This time he was slow and careful. "See what happens if you’re in too big of a hurry?" he said. I didn’t answer.

The car came down the street like a slowpoke turtle. Daddy parked in the driveway. I took off my seatbelt. Daddy cleared his throat. He looked at me. His eyes were little and sad, they had sleep lines on them.

Patrick started to cry, I held him tight against me. "Daddy?" Daddy yawned. "Well, we’re home," he said, and got out of the car.

I leaned over and opened the door a little bit. "Wait, wait, wait," Daddy said. He put his hand on the door handle, but instead of opening it he squeezed it and looked at something far away in the sky. I tilted my head back ‘til it wouldn’t go any further, but I couldn’t see anything. I looked at Patrick and shrugged.

Daddy sighed, the sigh made his whole body shake. He pulled the door open all the way. "Better go in. It’s cold." He walked away.

I climbed out of the car. "Please don’t get me, snow," I whispered. The snow tried to get in my boots but it couldn’t, only the cold was able to get inside. I tiptoed out of the car and up the path. I was a North Pole explorer, I had to be careful of enemy spies from a different country. "Let’s go, Emily," Daddy said, his voice was sharp and cold like the wind.

We went inside. I didn’t see Mama anywhere but I wiped my boots on the mat anyway, just in case. Daddy didn’t wipe his, I pretended not to see.

I took off my coat and dropped it on the floor. Daddy picked the coat up and put it back on the hook. He kept his eye on me while he peeled off his gloves. "Don’t disappear. We have to have a talk."

I took a half step back. Daddy took his coat off and put it on his hook. I swallowed and looked at Patrick, then back at Daddy. "Did you know – " I said.

"Come with me into the dining room," Daddy said. "We need to light candles before Mama gets home."

I made a face but Daddy looked at me so I put the face away and followed him into the dining room. Daddy took out the menorah. He opened a drawer and took out a box of candles, which he tossed on the table. "Pick out colors," he said. "But hurry up."

I took out a green candle, a white candle, and a yellow candle, three candles for winter, spring and summer. "Sorry orange candle," I said. "You don’t get to go yet."

"Put them in the menorah," Daddy said. I tried to put the candles in but they kept jumping out. Daddy grabbed my wrist and pushed down so hard it hurt, he scared the candles so they stayed where they belonged.

While I rubbed my wrist, Daddy lit the top candle with a silver lighter. The flame lit up good, he took the candle out of its seat and fed the other candles with it. His hand shook a little bit, I thought he might slip and set the table on fire but he didn’t.

After the candles were lit, Daddy stood and stared into them. I waited for him to sing the Hebrew like he did the other day but he didn’t, he just stood still. I held Patrick tight against me and rubbed my eyes so I could see what Daddy was seeing. I didn’t see anything special.

After a long time Daddy turned away from the flame. "So," he said. "I heard you went for a walk today."

I took a step back. "Where’s Mama?"

Daddy sighed. "She’s on her way back. With Alex." He took a step towards me. "He fell." I looked at my feet. Daddy kept moving closer, I backed away ‘til I hitted the wall. "Weren’t you supposed to be watching him?"

I tried to make myself smaller but I couldn’t, Daddy was standing too close and interfered with my magic. I squinted to make him less big. "What about the prayer?" I said, Patrick made me.

Daddy sighed. "You’re right. We’d better do it before Mama gets back." He turned around and walked over to the table. His back was stiff and straight, it looked angry. I looked away.

Daddy started the prayer. He sang so soft I almost couldn’t hear him, it was almost as bad as me in music class the day Miss James wrote the note. I tiptoed away and got the note out of my coat pocket. I wanted to show it to Daddy and get it over with, but Patrick was too scared so I stood there reading it instead.

Mama opened the front door just then, I jumped even though I knew it was her. She was holding Alex, he was all limp like an old doll. I took a step back, Mama passed me. "Oh good, you guys are home," she said, her words were smiley but her voice was flat as a robot. "Excuse me."

Mama pushed past me to the dining room. "Dinner will be ready in a minute," she said to Daddy. "Let me just put Alex down."

"No, no, you’ve had a hard day," Daddy told her. "Let me help." Mama asked, "Did you talk to Emily?", then she and Daddy put their voices on whisper mode. I dropped to my knees and put Patrick on my back and crawled into the dining room but I still couldn’t hear, plus Patrick kept falling off me.

Mama and Daddy kissed. I looked away, I didn’t think I was supposed to see it. Daddy saw me anyway. He looked at me out of the side of his eye and said, "Get up. Mama needs help setting the table." I put Patrick on a chair but Daddy said, "Uh uh. That toy goes away." I tried to tell Daddy that Patrick was hungry but he said, "I don’t want to hear it. It goes away or it goes in the garbage."

I picked up Patrick and held him tight so no one could hurt him. "Don’t worry," I said. "Daddy didn’t mean it." I kept my eye on Daddy anyway while I went in the kitchen, just in case.

As soon as I was gone, Mama and Daddy went back to whispering. Me and Patrick crouched down by the sink and tried to listen but we couldn’t hear. After a long time Mama’s chair scraped the floor, then Mama came in the kitchen.

I got up. Mama glanced at me. "No dawdling." She rubbed the headache spot on the top of her nose. "Put that elephant down. It’s in your way."

"I can’t. Daddy said – "

"No he didn’t." Mama reached for Patrick, I backed away. "Here. I’ll put it on your bed for you."

Patrick roared loud but I gave him to Mama anyway, I was scareder not to. "He likes to be tucked in tight," I said. Mama was already walking away. I watched her. Her back was stiff and straight just like Daddy’s and she held Patrick too tight, he could barely breathe. When she walked she made the house shake, I was afraid she’d make a hole in the floor.

"Emily!" Daddy called. I ran to the silverware drawer and took out 3 forks and 3 spoons. Alex is too little to have any silverwares and I’m not allowed to touch knives.

I came out to the dining room. Daddy was sitting and staring into the candles. I watched him, he didn’t move at all. "Are you talking to God?" I asked.

Daddy blinked. "What?" he said and rubbed his eyes like he was waking up from a dream. "No. No. I don’t... Jews don’t pray that way."

"How do they pray?" I asked but Mama was coming in the room so Daddy didn’t answer. Instead he pushed his chair back and said, "All right. Let’s all help. Emily, follow me."

Mama locked photon torpedoes on me. "Someone needs to watch Alex." Daddy breathed deep, the torpedoes bounced off his breath shield. "Well, you sit down and relax then while Emily and I – "

Mama banged the table so hard the menorah wobbled. "Relax? With him? I’m stuck with this all day. Emily’s old enough, she can - "

Daddy’s eyes caught fire from the wobbly candles. He threw it back at Mama. "Yeah, we know how well that worked," he said. He turned his fire-eyes on me before I could duck. "You. Get in the kitchen."

I took a baby step. Mama bit her lip, that scared me more than the wobbly candles and the fire in Daddy’s eyes.

I tiptoed into the kitchen and closed the door behind me and locked it with an invisible lock. In the other room, Mama and Daddy kept arguing. I opened up the plate cabinet and thought as hard as I could about getting out the right plates so my ears would shut off.

Alex shrieked once, then he was quiet. I crawled under the kitchen table, it was a cool cave with a lake in the middle and it made me feel safe.

After a long time it got quiet outside. I poked my head out from the cave, I didn’t see any monsters. The quiet stayed so I got up and went into the dining room.

Alex was under the table, he had made himself flat like a scared cat. No one was paying any attentions to him. Instead, Daddy was rubbing Mama’s shoulders and they were talking quietly. "I know you’re overwhelmed," Daddy said. "That’s why I thought we’d make you dinner tonight."

"I know," Mama said. I squatted down and petted Alex. "Come on," I said. "Be nice and come out."

Daddy got up. "That’s OK, Emily," he said. "I’ll get your brother. Watch your head on the way out." Mama said, "And your brother’s," and laughed a pretend laugh.

I waited a second, then I crawled out from under the table. Daddy dived in like an undersea explorer looking for treasure. He picked up Alex. Alex screamed and kicked and even tried to bite! But Daddy took him away from the table anyway. He sat down in his chair and held Alex in his lap and spoke to him in whisper language.

The phone rang. Daddy yawned. "I have to get that," he said to Mama. "Make sure Alex doesn’t retreat back under the table." He went in the kitchen to answer the phone.

I tried to put Alex in a force field with my eyes, but I misfired, he turned away and made himself into a stiff toy soldier. My stomach ached with hunger, I rubbed it to keep it from growling. Mama saw anyway, she said, "Uhm... maybe we can order a pizza." She looked into the window, I could see her reflection in the darkness. Her face looked like it was on too tight, she rubbed the sides of her head like the tightness was hurting her. After a second she smiled another pretend smile and said, "With this snow, it’ll be bedtime by the time they can get it here."

I didn’t say anything back, I was too busy listening to Daddy on the phone. "This is Emily’s father." He tapped the phone cord, the taps went through the wall to my ears so I couldn’t hear what he said next. "No, I wasn’t aware of the situation." Daddy opened the door and bent his head around it like he was a snake. Mama was staring at the window without seeing anything, she didn’t even move. "Uhm," Daddy said into the phone. "No need to bother my wife about this, Miss James." He laughed, his laugh was short and bitter and it hurt my ears. "I’m an enlightened man. I help with the kids."

I climbed off my seat. Mama didn’t notice. I looked at Alex, he seemed like he was safe so I tiptoed into the kitchen.

Daddy twisted the phone cord tight around his finger. "Emily did what? No, no, my wife would have mentioned... I’m sure she didn’t see any note."

I tugged on Daddy’s shirt bottom, he pushed me away. "I wanna talk to Miss James," I said in a whiny voice.

Daddy put his finger on his lips. "I see," he said in the phone. He sighed. "Well, you know, I hope it doesn’t come to that. I don’t want – "

I pulled on Daddy’s shirt harder. "Let me talk!"

Daddy broke his sentence in half. He turned towards me. He looked like a werewolf, his eyes were black and mean and wild and he breathed through his teeth.

I took a step back and started to cross myself in case Daddy wanted to bite me, then I remembered not to and stopped.

Daddy took a deep breath. He turned back into himself and said in a quiet voice, "Go wait in the dining room." Then he got back on the phone and said, "I apologize, Miss James. I was being interrupted. Now..."

I backed away into the dining room. The kitchen door swung closed by itself, it almost hitted me but I was too fast for it.

Mama was singing to Alex. She stopped. Her head jerked up like a puppet on a string. She leaned over like she was gonna hug Alex but she didn’t touch him. "Don’t slam the door," she said.

I leaned against the wall and tried to listen, but Daddy was talking too quiet and the wall was muffling up his words. I put my hands on the sides of my stomach. "I’m starving!"

Mama sighed. "I know." She got up and opened the kitchen door a crack. "Dan – "

"I’m on the phone!" Daddy’s voice was a hurricane, it made Mama wobble and almost fall down. She made a funny sound, then she jumped back. The door closed, she grabbed it so it didn’t slam and pulled it shut. When it was all closed up she said into it, "You’ll have to wait." Her voice was flat and quiet like a robot running out of batteries. She stood at the door for a second, then she turned and walked back to the table.

After a minute Daddy came out of the kitchen. He smiled, but no one smiled back so he took his smile off again. "Sorry ‘bout that. Emily – "

Mama cleared her throat. "I thought maybe you could make the kids eggs since it’s getting late."

Daddy breathed in so hard his body shook. "OK. Fine. Then Emily can help me." Mama looked like she wanted to say something, but Daddy said, "I don’t want to hear it. Emily and I need to talk." He went back in the kitchen. I squeezed my tummy to make myself strong before I followed him.

Daddy was taking a pan out from next to the stove. He glanced at me. "Take the eggs out of the refrigerator." I pulled the refrigerator door open, he said, "Be careful."

I got the eggs and tiptoed with them towards Daddy, I was a ballerina doing a complicated dance on stage. "Here," I said, and put them down.

"Thank you," Daddy said. He cleared his throat. I waited. Daddy picked up an egg and cracked it on the pan. I watched the yolk fall. "So...," Daddy said. "Tell me about this note."

I squirmed and put my hand in my pocket. "Well..." Daddy stirred the eggs with a spatula, I swallowed. "I don’t know what ‘well’ means," Daddy said. He mixed the eggs some more, the stove burned them so they stopped being liquid and turned into the kind you can eat. I winced.

"Get me jelly for your omelet," Daddy said. I shuffled over to the refrigerator. "Then you can bring me that note."

I took the strawberry jelly out and squeezed it as hard as I could without breaking it. On the way to Daddy I pushed the safety button in and out, the eggs were sending SOS in Morse code ‘cause they didn’t like being burned.

Daddy grabbed the jelly jar out of my hands. He dug into it with a spoon like he was searching for treasure in the desert, the jelly dripped off and splashed into the eggs like an alien diver. "This is ready," Daddy said, and flipped the eggs onto a plate with his spatula. I reached for the plate, but he cleared his throat loud so I stopped again.

Daddy looked at me. "Your note. Come on!" I took the note out of my pocket, he grabbed it so hard it almost ripped.

I held my breath while Daddy read the note. After a minute he lifted his head very, very slowly, I let my breath out so it could help his head come up. Daddy raised his eyebrows at me. I stepped back. He hit the note against his palm and said, "So. You – "

The kitchen door swung open so fast it hit the wall behind it. Mama stomped in, she was an angry elephant again. "What’s taking so long?"

Daddy pushed the plate towards me. "First one’s done."

Mama’s eyes got small like they were about to shoot fire. She turned them on Daddy. "What?" he said.

Mama tapped on the counter. "What?" she said, but she forgot to turn the volume up on her voice, I could barely hear her. She bit her lip and breathed in, then let it out like a popped balloon. "Don’t you know how late it is? The kids haven’t eaten or bathed or – "

Daddy sighed. "Take this," he said to me. I picked up the plate, heat soaked through the bottom and tried to burn my fingers but I didn’t let it, I held the plate tighter instead. "Go!" Daddy said. I backed out of the room slowly, I was a waitress in a famous restaurant and I couldn’t drop the plate.

Daddy leaned over and closed the door as soon as I was gone.

I put the plate carefully down on the table. "Here you go sir," I said to Alex, but he didn’t answer. I cutted the eggs in half with my spoon, jelly bled out onto the plate.

I pushed the plate towards Alex. He pressed his head into the table, he was hiding from the eggs. I ate the jelly even though it burned my tongue, I didn’t like to see the eggs bleeding. Then I cut the eggs into little squares. One of the squares was all white somehow. Alex liked that one, he reached over and grabbed it with his fingers. I thought it might burn him but he didn’t care, he x-rayed it with his eyes and turned it over and over.

Outside, the sky got angry and turned the snow into a big roll of thunder. Then it was quiet except for rain dripping on the windows.

Inside, the candles burned almost all the way to the bottom, they bled onto the menorah.

I ate my eggs. They burned my throat on the way down.